Hi! At the beginning of the year, I did a end of/beginning of year series of posts to usher out 2016 and bring in 2017. In retrospect, I should have left that bitch where she was because she ain't bring me shit. lol Either way, I did a series reviewing how my 2016 went but I stretched it out through the month of January. I was going to do that again this year, but by the time the year starts I want to be finished discussing 2017 so I'm doing my year review in one post. You're going to be seeing a lot of me over the next few days so I can wrap up everything for this year, so if that's not your bag I'll see you in a few days. This, per usual with me, is a long post so get a snack or fix a sandwich and get comfortable.
So, just how did my 2017 go?
1. What went well this year?
Not much went well this year, but I made progress professionally and did a lot of work on myself. I reconnected with some people, began new friendships with others, and I was able to pay all of my bills, so that's always going to be something I count among the things that went well throughout my year.
2. What went wrong?
Just about everything else in my life. lol
3. What lessons did you learn this year?
A lesson I learned a few years ago but didn't really understand until this year is that the way people handle conflict and issues with you often isn't personal. The way people treat you says more about them than it does about you and I finally saw that this year. People would say that to me a lot, but I always thought it was an excuse to not hold people accountable. I was wrong. That was an extremely important lesson to learn and it helped me to see a lot of things I needed to see. I used to--still do, actually--get really offended when people do me wrong, especially if I've done nothing to them or gone out of my way to help them. Attempting to confront them never solved the problem, so over time I'd keep changing how I handled conflict--how and when I approached the issue, how and what I'd say, how I'd explain it--but the results I was getting would never change, no matter who it was I tried it with. Nothing changed. It was a real mindf*ck for me for a majority of the year because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong in my conflicts with everyone. I expected that by addressing the complaints and the 'reasons' that I caused for conflict not being resolved, it would be finally be resolved but this never happened and I didn't understand why. I finally--FINALLY--realized last week that I wasn't doing anything wrong. It didn't matter how I approached it; the other person's response, which I'd been conditioned to assume was immediately my fault for one reason or another, did not change and that was on them. It wasn't me that wouldn't change, it was them. I'd changed everything and was able to prove as much. This lesson here could probably be a post all on its own but in short, I learned that I can change everything about myself and not get the results I want from others because I can't change them. Their response is based off of who they are, and their response, provided that I did not provoke them in any way, says more about them than me. As you can see, conflict is kind of a dominant theme in my life. lol
When I explain how I came into the lesson of trusting the process, which is one of the other important lessons I learned this year, it's going to sound dumb as shit. lol Anyway, I was making my sister a hoodie for Christmas based off of a hoodie I saw in a merch store but couldn't afford to buy and when I was in the first stages of stenciling the design onto the hoodie, it looked terrible. I nearly abandoned the project, but my mom told me to do my best with it and if it still didn't look right after I finished it, we'd try something different. I had to draw off of patience I don't normally possess and try to shape what I was doing into the desired end result. It took me hours but by the end of the project, it looked great and my sister ended up loving it. I'm very hard on myself and when something I do doesn't go the way I meant for it to, I can get discouraged quickly. Some people are naturally good at things and when I feel like I have to work hard just to be mediocre it makes me doubt myself. I struggle to have the patience to trust the process and feel my way through things sometimes, but I was finally able to apply that lesson and it worked out. I learned a life lesson by stenciling a damn hoodie. LOL
I also learned that someone can love you and simultaneously not have your best interests at heart, but not because they actively want to see you fail. They actually don't want you to fail, but their interests are more important and if you happen to get caught up in their pursuit of them, that's a personal problem. For you, not them. This one was a difficult one for me to put together, because I felt if someone loved me, then wanting what was best for me and wanting to help me get there would come naturally. This isn't always true. It doesn't mean that the person doesn't love you or even that they are bad. Selfish maybe, but not bad. It just means that the two things aren't exclusive. I had to learn this lesson the hard way but it was a good one to learn. It helps me to not expect too much from people and I think I expect a lot from people I love, which isn't always fair.
I learned many of the ways that I sabotage myself thanks to my Self-Love September post on self sabotage. While I was going through the common reasons people sabotage themselves and having to give examples of each reason, many of them were from personal experience. Nobody wants to think they're sabotaging themselves, that they're standing in their own way. People will blame themselves for not getting where they'd like to be but also won't admit that they're sabotaging themselves. It's a difficult admission to make and I get it, but now that I'm aware, I'm going to fix it moving forward.
I've learned that concepts like karma and paying it forward are good because they encourage you to be a good person and they further the theory that those who do badly get it returned to them tenfold, which is encouraging to those who get done wrong, but they're not true. If they were, the people in the film industry (who, only now after decades of limitless power, are getting theirs for their various assaults on actors and actresses) never would have had the opportunity to rise to prominence and if they had, it wouldn't have taken so long for the mountain to crumble. If it were, the events of the last year would have been so much different because our presidential administration would have been different. Karma makes a lot of us accountable and that's fine. Paying it forward reminds us to be better people and that's never a bad thing. But the actual execution of these actions, especially together, doesn't guarantee a return and in many cases, the bad guys do get ahead, don't get what they deserve for wronging others, and you'll be wronged again. Underneath the light of karma and good deeds lie the seedy underbelly of power, dominance and freedom from consequence. The good half doesn't always win and while it's ugly to think about, it's also the truth. It's a good lesson to know and for me, it helped me adjust my expectations.
When I explain how I came into the lesson of trusting the process, which is one of the other important lessons I learned this year, it's going to sound dumb as shit. lol Anyway, I was making my sister a hoodie for Christmas based off of a hoodie I saw in a merch store but couldn't afford to buy and when I was in the first stages of stenciling the design onto the hoodie, it looked terrible. I nearly abandoned the project, but my mom told me to do my best with it and if it still didn't look right after I finished it, we'd try something different. I had to draw off of patience I don't normally possess and try to shape what I was doing into the desired end result. It took me hours but by the end of the project, it looked great and my sister ended up loving it. I'm very hard on myself and when something I do doesn't go the way I meant for it to, I can get discouraged quickly. Some people are naturally good at things and when I feel like I have to work hard just to be mediocre it makes me doubt myself. I struggle to have the patience to trust the process and feel my way through things sometimes, but I was finally able to apply that lesson and it worked out. I learned a life lesson by stenciling a damn hoodie. LOL
I also learned that someone can love you and simultaneously not have your best interests at heart, but not because they actively want to see you fail. They actually don't want you to fail, but their interests are more important and if you happen to get caught up in their pursuit of them, that's a personal problem. For you, not them. This one was a difficult one for me to put together, because I felt if someone loved me, then wanting what was best for me and wanting to help me get there would come naturally. This isn't always true. It doesn't mean that the person doesn't love you or even that they are bad. Selfish maybe, but not bad. It just means that the two things aren't exclusive. I had to learn this lesson the hard way but it was a good one to learn. It helps me to not expect too much from people and I think I expect a lot from people I love, which isn't always fair.
I learned many of the ways that I sabotage myself thanks to my Self-Love September post on self sabotage. While I was going through the common reasons people sabotage themselves and having to give examples of each reason, many of them were from personal experience. Nobody wants to think they're sabotaging themselves, that they're standing in their own way. People will blame themselves for not getting where they'd like to be but also won't admit that they're sabotaging themselves. It's a difficult admission to make and I get it, but now that I'm aware, I'm going to fix it moving forward.
I've learned that concepts like karma and paying it forward are good because they encourage you to be a good person and they further the theory that those who do badly get it returned to them tenfold, which is encouraging to those who get done wrong, but they're not true. If they were, the people in the film industry (who, only now after decades of limitless power, are getting theirs for their various assaults on actors and actresses) never would have had the opportunity to rise to prominence and if they had, it wouldn't have taken so long for the mountain to crumble. If it were, the events of the last year would have been so much different because our presidential administration would have been different. Karma makes a lot of us accountable and that's fine. Paying it forward reminds us to be better people and that's never a bad thing. But the actual execution of these actions, especially together, doesn't guarantee a return and in many cases, the bad guys do get ahead, don't get what they deserve for wronging others, and you'll be wronged again. Underneath the light of karma and good deeds lie the seedy underbelly of power, dominance and freedom from consequence. The good half doesn't always win and while it's ugly to think about, it's also the truth. It's a good lesson to know and for me, it helped me adjust my expectations.
4. What habits or behaviors need to be left behind going into the new year?
I need to stop worrying about things and people to the point that I'm sick over them. I can no more control people in my life than I can the fact that the sun rises every morning. Whether I worry or not won't help anything, so why worry myself to death? Something else I'd like to stop doing over the next year is constantly thinking the issue in everything I do is me. I already overanalyze everything and immediately assuming that I'm always or will always be at fault just makes everything worse.
5. Did you have a mantra, word or phrase to guide you through 2017? What was it?
I believe the mantra was "Let go," and I believe the word was "grind." When I was 18, that word meant something else entirely LOL, but as much as I despise the word, that's the vibe I was on at the beginning of the year. I needed to be on my grind, needed to be out there making things happen for myself. Obviously, didn't quite work out that way. lol
6. What am I most proud of accomplishing this year?
Everything in question #10.
7. Where did I feel stuck or hit roadblocks?
Everydamnwhere. I need to get a tattoo of a roadblock somewhere on my body because it seems to represent another ongoing theme in my life. lol
8. How well did I take care of myself emotionally, physically and mentally?
If I'm being honest, I did a shit job taking care of myself this year. 2017 was an emotional rollercoaster from hell for me and it was very draining to get through. I had a lot of difficulty with my anger this year and my blood pressure felt like it skyrocketed every time I was angry or stressed--so basically, most of the year lol--and I spent a lot of the year trying to recover from something so my body never really had the time to recoup. I know better than to be angry and tense for days because my body always makes me pay for it but I couldn't help it. I didn't know how to relax, didn't often attempt to when I needed to and sometimes didn't eat for days. When I did eat, I often didn't put the right kind of food in my body. I did a horrible, terrible, no-good job at maintaining my temple this year.
My anxiety was the hardest it's been to manage in years, and part of that was because I wasn't taking care of myself emotionally or mentally either. Like I said and have been alluding to, some things happened in my family over the past six months that left me either being or feeling betrayed. Logically speaking, I don't think it was easy or even possible for awhile for me to be in a good headspace emotionally or mentally. I never got a chance to get away from the problem, from the people who caused the problem, so it would repeat over and over in my mind. It sent me to a really dark place and because I was having so many issues emotionally and mentally, I had enough energy to cope, escape to somewhere in my mind and regroup, nothing else. In retrospect, it was a little ironic writing about depression during Self-Love September when I was in and out of my own. I didn't think about it then, but thinking about it now I don't know how I didn't see I was going through the very thing I was writing about. I did a lot of work on myself over the year and spent some time doing things I enjoyed, but I think I did a lot of it to comfort myself rather than because it was a necessary part of my self-care.
My anxiety was the hardest it's been to manage in years, and part of that was because I wasn't taking care of myself emotionally or mentally either. Like I said and have been alluding to, some things happened in my family over the past six months that left me either being or feeling betrayed. Logically speaking, I don't think it was easy or even possible for awhile for me to be in a good headspace emotionally or mentally. I never got a chance to get away from the problem, from the people who caused the problem, so it would repeat over and over in my mind. It sent me to a really dark place and because I was having so many issues emotionally and mentally, I had enough energy to cope, escape to somewhere in my mind and regroup, nothing else. In retrospect, it was a little ironic writing about depression during Self-Love September when I was in and out of my own. I didn't think about it then, but thinking about it now I don't know how I didn't see I was going through the very thing I was writing about. I did a lot of work on myself over the year and spent some time doing things I enjoyed, but I think I did a lot of it to comfort myself rather than because it was a necessary part of my self-care.
9. When did I feel the most creatively inspired?
I always felt the most motivated and inspired just before and just after seeing my mentor. I want to show him that his work with me isn't in vain, that I am working, and he holds me accountable so I enjoy having actual progress to show him. I tend to get off track shortly before a meeting if I've already done what I was supposed to do but our meetings replenish me and give me new motivation so I also feel the most inspired afterward.
10. What important projects did I successfully complete?
--my 2nd Black History Spotlight in February
--my 5th SUTS in August
--the rebrand and relaunch of my godmom's business this fall
--Self-Love September
--my 3rd Octoberfest in October
--visual and branding for the first business I'm launching
--3 of my 4 seasonal boards
--the development of a course I'm building
--my 5th SUTS in August
--the rebrand and relaunch of my godmom's business this fall
--Self-Love September
--my 3rd Octoberfest in October
--visual and branding for the first business I'm launching
--3 of my 4 seasonal boards
--the development of a course I'm building
11. Overall, was the year a success personally? Professionally?
Yes and no, but mainly no on both counts. Personally it was a success because I was able to learn so much about myself, the way I operate and why I am the way I am, and professionally it was a success because I was able to finally get some real direction with my business ideas and concepts. I finally made important headway in getting to opening day with my company, which I needed because I was starting to get extremely discouraged with the lack of movement. After so long of having a concept but no real direction, no process, not even a name, it was awesome to finally have something concrete that I can build on.
The reason why I said no on both counts is purely due to my dissatisfaction. Yes, I made strides in my professional life but I didn't make any on my blogs, which bugs the hell out of me. Yes, I learned more about myself but I wasn't able to do much with what I learned or change the things I didn't like about my personal environment. The lessons I learned were far from meaningless, but there haven't been any opportunities to apply them in a lasting way.
The reason why I said no on both counts is purely due to my dissatisfaction. Yes, I made strides in my professional life but I didn't make any on my blogs, which bugs the hell out of me. Yes, I learned more about myself but I wasn't able to do much with what I learned or change the things I didn't like about my personal environment. The lessons I learned were far from meaningless, but there haven't been any opportunities to apply them in a lasting way.
12. Is there anywhere I allowed myself to be held back, anywhere I voluntarily stifled myself?
Hmm. I think I stifled myself when I made certain decisions to benefit others that came at my expense. I know why I stifled myself and while I don't regret having done so I wasn't able to advance anywhere because of those decisions. This was very much a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of situation, so while there was an ideal outcome it wasn't a realistic one, so I chose the one that made more sense.
13. Were there any notable changes I made to my life this year?
Not really. I started drinking more water, does that count? lol I'm trying to be a little more open with acquaintances and friends, which I'm finding to be a pain in my ass because its every bit as difficult as I expected it to be, but I'm trying.
14. Did I cultivate any new or meaningful relationships this year?
Yes, I did. Go get a snack (or get another one, I know you've already been here awhile) so I can explain. One of my relatives and I have never been super close, but after my nieces were born we had something to bond over. We still weren't very close and we didn't talk very much until late this summer. I'm not going to go into detail out of respect for that person and the severity of the situation, but there was an incident that caused a massive rift in the family. Everyone was running high on hurt feelings and anger, but I felt there was a deeper reason for why the person did and said certain things, and it was because I understood that the person was finally able to open up to me. That event and how it was handled broke a large barrier in our relationship. I still have my reservations mainly because I just don't want to be misled or played for a fool, but I feel our relationship has improved so much since that event and it's been nice.
Recently, one of my godmothers (I have 3 lol) and I were able to reconnect and that was something I didn't realize was important to me until it happened. She's my first godmother and she'd been in my life since I was born, but because she was in a dark place in her life she did some really foul things and we fell out with her for well over a decade. Coincidentally, my second godmother (who's also been in my life since I was born; she was one of my mom's best friends in high school) is now related to the first by marriage, so we ran in some of the same circles but never interacted with each other excluding random meetings in the wild or at funerals. The last funeral was my 1st godmom's brother last month, and she expressed wanting to reconnect. I'd never given it a ton of thought over the years but to have this bit of my childhood back, one of the only good bits of my childhood, won out over things I'd long since forgiven. She has a granddaughter now who for some insane reason has really taken to me and it's been important to me to be there for her in some way. I see a lot of younger me in her and I don't want her to feel as alone as I was. I don't know why she likes me so much and it unnerves me LOL, but I don't want to abandon her.
As I said a few minutes ago, I'm trying to be more open with other people in my life. It's opened a few doors for more honest communication with those people, but I still have the contradictory issue of simultaneously wanting people to see who I am and remaining reserved. LOL It's been challenging in the best way to see the results starting to pay off in terms of creating open, honest friendships with people. The relationships I've made an effort to work on and the reconnecting I've done has only widened my family and I love that.
Recently, one of my godmothers (I have 3 lol) and I were able to reconnect and that was something I didn't realize was important to me until it happened. She's my first godmother and she'd been in my life since I was born, but because she was in a dark place in her life she did some really foul things and we fell out with her for well over a decade. Coincidentally, my second godmother (who's also been in my life since I was born; she was one of my mom's best friends in high school) is now related to the first by marriage, so we ran in some of the same circles but never interacted with each other excluding random meetings in the wild or at funerals. The last funeral was my 1st godmom's brother last month, and she expressed wanting to reconnect. I'd never given it a ton of thought over the years but to have this bit of my childhood back, one of the only good bits of my childhood, won out over things I'd long since forgiven. She has a granddaughter now who for some insane reason has really taken to me and it's been important to me to be there for her in some way. I see a lot of younger me in her and I don't want her to feel as alone as I was. I don't know why she likes me so much and it unnerves me LOL, but I don't want to abandon her.
As I said a few minutes ago, I'm trying to be more open with other people in my life. It's opened a few doors for more honest communication with those people, but I still have the contradictory issue of simultaneously wanting people to see who I am and remaining reserved. LOL It's been challenging in the best way to see the results starting to pay off in terms of creating open, honest friendships with people. The relationships I've made an effort to work on and the reconnecting I've done has only widened my family and I love that.
15. How well did I manage my time, both on and off the clock?
I managed my time this year much better on the clock. I managed it on the clock so well that I didn't really give myself any 'off' time, so in a way I didn't manage it well at all. LOL From the time I wake up until the time I go to bed, I'm working on something. This week its the end of year series I usually do. Next week it'll be back to small business and company stuff because I have a meeting with my mentor after the holidays. I have so much I'd like to do and I'm riding this wave of motivation, so I don't want to halt my momentum by slacking off. When I'm feeling motivated and inspired, I have to ride that wave for as long as I can before something comes along that kills my drive. As long as I feel like my work is progressing toward something, I can keep going. The minute I start getting overwhelmed or feel as though I'm doing the headless chicken dance, I get discouraged and shut down. So sometimes I'll be working on things for days, sometimes weeks straight. It's fun, but not a healthy or sustainable habit. I get a lot more done this way so in that respect it was managed well, but I didn't give myself any 'off' time. I felt bad when I couldn't finish something, didn't feel well enough to do anything or simply didn't want to, which also isn't a healthy or sustainable thought. In that respect I didn't do so well.
So that wraps up my 2017 in a nutshell. I'm sorry it went on as long as it did but if you were here for last year's end-of-year series, you already know I'm incapable of answering most questions quickly. lol Were there any questions on this list that challenged you to take a look back at your year? How would you answer these? See you tomorrow!
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