Hi! For the last actual post in this year's Self-Love September, here's the second half of last week's list of reasons why we sometimes sabotage ourselves. In a couple of days I wanted to put out a post about how to take a more loving approach with ourselves throughout the year by helping us to both learn about ourselves, the good and bad, and how to counter the bad things we find. I don't know if it's an issue that you have, but I struggle to maintain momentum after a challenge is over because I'm no longer required to do anything. I figured making one more post with some helpful links and ideas could help to integrate the point of Self-Love September into our lives on a more regular basis. But that's in a couple of days. Today I have six more reasons why we tend to stand in our own way:
This is not the most common, but the most obvious reason why someone chooses to sabotage themselves. When you don't love yourself and especially when you look for your acceptance or validation to come from an external source, you find yourself in a lot more negative situations. I have another relative who also has a habit of sabotaging her relationships, but she also has a mental illness with classic self-destructive behaviors, which she saw a lot of during her childhood, so sabotaging her happiness comes naturally to her. Being starved for attention and not having the proper amount of love for herself caused her to subconsciously stand in her own way without realizing it.
When a bad childhood tangles with a mental illness with a signature symptom of risky behaviors, it creates nothing but havoc for everyone involved. When you don't love yourself, you'll allow a lot of bad things and do a lot of bad things to yourself. Self-sabotage is just one of those things. You won't allow good things to come your way and when you do, you'll ruin them every time. It's like you can't help it and I think that's when it becomes the most painful. You know on some level that you're not being right to yourself, yet you can't help but continue it. That is self-sabotage at its finest.
I've been mentioning loving yourself all the time as though learning to love yourself is easy, but it's not. It is a process and depending on your view of yourself beforehand, can have a lot of winding roads, detours and failures. It's not something you learn and then the lesson's over. It's ongoing, even for those of us who love ourselves. Sometimes we don't love ourselves as much as we did the day before, sometimes we fall off-track due to external influences we allow in and sometimes we change into people we no longer love. It's a constant process and getting to the road in order to start the journey is just half of the struggle.
Until that time comes, however, it will always be hard, and there will always be more negativity than positivity in your environment. But when you know you don't love yourself and aren't making an effort to do anything about it, you're sabotaging yourself. You're saying that every bad thing in your life has a place there, that you don't deserve to give yourself any better. Neither of those are true. Bad things are always going to come around; it's part of the ebb and flow of life. That can't be helped. The amount of bad, the cause of said bad and the havoc it wrecks on your life, however, can all be helped if you have the stepping stone of self-love to help you out.
It sounds corny, I know, but seriously. Toxicity in any form stands out so much clearer than it did when you thought the worst of yourself, you stop intentionally getting into situations that aren't good for you, and you establish a bar of standards. It's up to you to maintain those standards and its not always easy to do that--I think it actually makes some things harder because you know you can't tolerate certain things or people and have to make the decision to cut them out or suffer at your own expense--but loving yourself creates the bar you should work to maintain throughout your life.
For me personally, when I sabotage myself via laziness it is usually via procrastination on something I know I need to do (i.e. a blog post). I guess you could see laziness on a general scale as self-sabotage, but I don't think it's that deep all the time. Sometimes you're just being a lazy asshole, ya know? For me, laziness crosses the threshold into self-sabotage when it costs you something important or causes you to put off something you genuinely want or need to do.
Usually, I become lazy when I'm already doubting the content I want to put out (which is why this post is late), either because I don't think it will come out the way I want it to, or because I am afraid that it won't have either the traction or reception that I'm after. Honestly, at this point I'm doing little more than creating the foundation to get better as a blogger and a writer; I'm not making any significant changes or moves. Yet. But until then, I can sharpen my skills a bit.
That's the silver lining view of my blogs at the moment; the truth is that oftentimes I feel invisible, both online and IRL. When you know you're putting out a post that not many people will see, it gives you a bit of freedom that larger bloggers don't get. That bit of freedom can very easily turn into laziness because you don't have anyone expecting anything from you. Too much freedom combined with little accountability can beget laziness, and nobody will ever see your real potential if you're too lazy to show it to them.
I combat my laziness with bribery. lol If I finish something by a certain time, I give myself an extra little something. If I can't meet the deadline, I have to power through and finish it in one session, which can take hours. It applies some pressure and I've realized that I need some degree of pressure in order to actually get things done sometimes, especially if I don't want to do them. Because I don't really have a lot of people to hold me accountable for my posts, it's been very easy for me to say, "Eh. I'll do it later," then never come through on it. Not only does this sabotage my work ethic, which could potentially squander a work opportunity, but the inconsistency that laziness creates could also squander work opportunities, as I have not built up the steady profile most companies are looking for.
Laziness isn't always an act of self-sabotage, but when when the activity you're failing to complete is one that could help elevate you in any fashion, it crosses the line into sabotage. So laziness can just be the vehicle you're using but there's actually a deeper reason at play. I'd try to figure out what that reason is first and go from there as to how to conquer it.
Denial can encompass a number of things. This is one of the things that often goes hand-in-hand with one of the other reasons on the list, but denial can often be considered the larger vehicle people use to sabotage themselves. I've also found that it's one of the harder things to both become aware of and move past. If someone tells you that they feel you aren't listening to them and you deny it, do you genuinely feel you are listening and the other person is wrong, or are you just in denial? It can be difficult to tell sometimes. In other cases, if people aren't ready to face themselves, don't want to face themselves or have no self-awareness, it's highly likely that denial is one of their best friends. Whenever I think of denial, I think of
this bit from an episode of Golden Girls. lol
Jokes aside though, I think denial is one of the sneakiest and worst ways we unconsciously sabotage ourselves. When we remain in denial about what we are...or aren't, it keeps us from ever elevating ourselves from our current status. We can't truthfully elevate ourselves until we're honest with ourselves and if we've removed the possibility for true honesty by hiding our heads in the sand about what/who we really are, we're never going to go anywhere. Denial creates unhappiness and stagnancy, and nobody can help you come out of self-denial except for you. Someone else can bring your issue to light but if you're in denial, you're just going to deny it anyway so what good would it do? LOL
The biggest help I've had with conquering denial was taking an honest, objective look at myself and my behavior. That's not easy to do, but it's not impossible either. I'd break it down into three questions. If I was describing my behavior honestly to someone else, would I be tempted to embellish or leave things out to make the situation sound better? Would I avoid talking about it at all? I also thought about how I'd respond if I was hearing this behavior from someone else, and if my answer is more to the negative rather than the positive, then I know I'm in denial about something.
I've used that when trying to determine whether I've stayed in a relationship for too long, if I'm exhibiting a problematic behavior, or if I'm not trying hard enough with my work. If I immediately have the urge to come up with an excuse, I know what my problem is. The reasons why we enter a state of denial are long and subjective, as these things usually are, but being in denial at all when it directly impacts your development or growth, especially when you know you're not dealing with something, is self-sabotage.
This can extend to any relationship in your life. If you have someone in your ear, someone whose opinion you trust, telling you for years that your dreams are unattainable, that you aren't good enough to make it, eventually most of us at some point start to believe that. This person could be a sibling, friend, co-worker, spouse, parent, bully or even child, I think we've all seen this in different relationships.
Most of us don't even realize the verbal abuse in certain relationships because it's subtle or more commonly disguised as being 'realistic' if we've set our hopes 'too high.' For example, say I tell you I'm going to get on my roof and use my arms to fly so I won't need a car. You wouldn't be verbally abusing me by telling me I'm a fucking idiot and to get off the damn roof. I mean for some, that's still verbal abuse but for me its not. I've probably terrified you, and I could have killed myself. You can take off the nice gloves.
But if I tell you I'd like to go back to school because I want to be a makeup artist and I show you some pictures of makeup I've done and you tell me, "You're stupid. You're too clumsy, you couldn't be trusted to do someone's makeup," and use every open opportunity to belittle and mock my dreams, eventually I'm going to believe you, because why would you steer me wrong? I trust and value your opinion, so I'm going to take your words in good faith. Even if at some point we fall out, I'm going to remember what you've said. That's months, if not years, of verbal abuse to break. Just because the person leaves our lives doesn't mean the effects of their words or actions will follow them out the door. Oftentimes, that's exactly why the pattern of abuse is able to repeat itself.
Even if it doesn't, however, you still have to get that person's words out of your head, which isn't easy to do. If you're still clinging to or walking in those words, you have officially taken the helm from the other person and are now actively sabotaging yourself.
It is unbelievably easy to sabotage yourself when you're going through a rough time. Depression seems to be a large motivator for why people sabotage themselves, both consciously and unconsciously. When it feels as though everyday is going to be a repeat of the previous day, the "why bother?" urge is often too strong to ignore. When you're depressed, its a lot easier for some of the other reasons to intertwine and help you stand in your own way. This is one that, for me, can either be the primary vehicle or a fallout emotion from something else that was bothering me.
After awhile of being so down on myself and doubting what I do or being afraid to fail, I'll become depressed, lose my motivation, and stop doing whatever I was doing. You may have tons of talent, tons of potential and an open door to have opportunities presented to you. But if you're too depressed to apply yourself, too down on life in general to put in the work or find that all of a sudden you'd rather not bother with it, you're actively sabotaging yourself. This doesn't have to apply to just work or career aspirations, this could go for self-development as well. If we've been a certain way for a long time and realize that it's probably not very healthy, it can kick off a depressive episode if we fail to eliminate the behavior/habit and we'll give up on ourselves.
Depressive episodes have been part of my life since I was 17 and it's a lot of work to maintain a positive outlook, especially if your life doesn't necessarily follow the narrative you'd like. I have both major depression and seasonal depression, so during the winter months my energy (such as it is with a laundry list of health issues lol) tends to dip, and I'm more depressed overall. If I was already going through a depressive period before the time change, I can easily spend months in a funk, not being able to do too much of anything. When I spend too long in that mindset, my anxiety backslides and during really bad episodes I struggle with suicidal thoughts.
I've mentioned I have seasonal depression, but I don't often go into detail because it wasn't a 'thing' until a couple of years ago and I've had it for nearly a decade now, so when I'd talk about it before I'd usually get the 😕 face from people. Now everyone has it so I'm hearing about it a lot more. Many of those people simply don't like the decreased amount of sunlight, but it isn't a full-blown depression. Mine can very quickly go there, so I have to try extremely hard during the colder months not to slip. It's hard not to do that though, and most times, my productivity takes a nosedive. My outlook changes, my motivation deserts me, and my outlook becomes much more pessimistic, more fearful, and I shut down. By allowing that time to be taken away from bettering myself, I've committed an act of self-sabotage. If I find myself hiding behind my depression or using it as a crutch, I'm sabotaging myself.
Now I'm not saying everyone with depression can combat it by simply thinking that they're sabotaging themselves and working against that. It's not always that simple and sometimes this mentality does nothing for me either. Sometimes you're just depressed and that's all there is to it. There's no 'snapping out of it,' no waking up with a new outlook, it's just there, weighing on you and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Chemical imbalances can mean you're depressed even when you have nothing to be depressed about. It can mean being on the brink of a breakdown on your wedding day. It's not always related to a season or one specific event, and some of us are powerless to stop it for months or even years.
So please don't think I'm minimizing depression by just calling it self-sabotage; I wish it could be simplified that easily and conquered that quickly. I'm only talking about the depressive episodes we have a bit more control over; the ones directly caused by a specific event, like a breakup or dissatisfaction with something in our lives. I wish all depression was so easy to combat, but it's not. If there is something we can do about an episode though, I think we should do it or risk allowing depression to take over.
I have someone in my life who seems to be unaware that they are causing this issue in their lives, but its plain as day to people looking in from the outside. This person spent a lot of time alone, so as anyone single for an extended period of time would know, one becomes set in their ways. So for anyone coming in, it can be hard to get a foothold with this person because they're very much 'my way or the highway' and obviously, this can't sustain itself in a long-term relationship of any kind, with children, spouses or even friends. It's unfair to them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that its very difficult to accept change. I struggle with it myself. But when you simultaneously seek out change then actively resist it and extend that stagnancy to others who are in your life, trying to force everyone into your way of doing things, not only do you sabotage your growth by creating stagnancy for everyone, you risk pushing everyone away. Creating a life in which you have no love, not because you aren't worthy but because you couldn't let go long enough to embrace the changes that inevitably follow the entrance of a new person into your life, has and will always be self-sabotage. Comfort zones are great because they're comfortable (duh) and safe but that's really about it as far as benefits go.
It's important to understand that it's one thing when you're resisting change and refusing to leave your comfort zone when you're alone, because then you're the only one you're hurting. But when you extend that to others and force them into your comfort zone, where its always your way and you're the only one to make any changes, you sabotage more than your own life. The only advice that makes sense here is to let go. Let go of your molds, your preconceived notions about yourself and others, and stop stubbornly holding onto the theory that you can change people to be who you want them to be.
It's okay to want others to be better. It's not okay to want them to be what you think they should be and it's definitely not okay to force anyone into a mold you developed for them on your own. You can't change people, and you can't ask for change yet reject what that entails. Unnecessary stagnancy that you have complete control over is sabotage, plain and simple. But when you drag others along for the ride, you now have the added fault of sabotaging someone else as well. Don't do that.
Did anything in this post resonate with you about yourself or someone you know? I think self-sabotage is a lot more common than we'd believe and throughout the course of this month, I have been able to think back on so many different occasions throughout my life and see that I was my own saboteur more times than I thought. It's hard, making the realization that you're responsible for your own failures. For many people, the first and natural instinct is to find someone else to blame and it's difficult to not only not give into that instinct, but point the finger of blame inward and maintain that with self and others. Many times, I have noticed that either people run from that truth by consistently blaming others and never taking accountability, or by knowing exactly why they sabotage themselves but never doing anything about it. That's the real self-sabotage, when you know what you're doing and why but can't or don't fix it.
This wasn't really meant to be an informative post; I'm figuring this shit out right along with you. I just wanted to share some reasons I've come across for why people stand in their own way and see if any of them sounded familiar to you. Was there a reason you felt I left off the list? Do you have any tips for how to conquer any of these reasons for self-sabotage? Let me know and I'll see you soon!
