Self-Love September: My Perfect Imperfections Tag

Hi! Today's topic was originally going to be about something different, but I saw this tag video on YouTube and thought it would be a good topic to discuss coming off of last week's questionnaire. I'd never heard of the Perfect Imperfections tag until I watched Jenn from clothesencounters do it earlier today, but she mentioned having gotten the idea from another YouTuber named AndreasChoice, who created this tag. I didn't watch the latter video, but I got what I needed to take the tag on here. I don't know how things are going in your neck of the woods, but this has definitely been the season for self-love. The lessons others in my life have been learning, some of the lessons I've revisited, either to give someone advice or through self-reflection, have come back to self-love, and I realized an issue I've been having as of late has come back to self-love as well. 

When I asked the people in my life whether they loved themselves, the 'no' answers varied in reason but the vast majority of them came back to something physical they didn't like. As much as many of us loathe to admit these things because they make us feel as though we're being shallow or superficial, our physical perception of ourselves has a lot to do with our ability to love ourselves. It can be hard to talk about those things, especially with other people because it makes us feel vulnerable, which is one of the uglier parts of learning to love ourselves. Exposing ourselves to ourselves is difficult, but exposing yourself where others can see, hear or read it is incredibly hard for many people to do. The basis for today's post came from Andrea and Jenn but I put a little spin on it. If I'm going to ask you to be vulnerable, I have to take the plunge first so let's get into this tag!

1. The shape of my face/my forehead

My face is oval-shaped and I have a large forehead, so I've found that I often have to finesse my hairstyles to disguise or diminish it. I often wear wigs for the tri-fold of protective, variety and personal preference reasons, and this puts a lot of strain on your edges over time. Since I've gone Natural and don't wear my wigs as often, I've been trying to grow my edges back (LOL) learn to like my face shape without hiding behind my hair. If I don't wear bangs and slick my hair back I often look bald, which has bothered me dating back to my middle school years when I was bullied about it. I try to take comfort in the celebrities I see who have large foreheads but don't hide behind their hair, but I also see the hateful comments left behind, which always hit me a little close to home having had some of the same comments directed at me. My face shape and forehead have made me very insecure for a very long time, and while I'm still deeply insecure about them, I also accept that short of doing something permanent, costly and/or drastic, there's nothing I can do about them but accept and make the best of them because they're mine.

2. My recent weight gain

I had originally written this as the first entry, but I ended up having a book-length amount of things to say about it, so I erased it and started over. lol I'll keep it short. I've been 'skinny fat' for a few years now so my stomach has been a lingering insecurity for me but I've recently put on some weight, mainly in that area, and this has been affecting my ability to be okay with my appearance. What complicated things further was when I broke my toe a couple of years ago. I started treatment for it last summer and was put on light to no activity. I had surgery on my foot this past April to fix the bone, which hadn't healed, and finally got the okay to transition back into regular shoes last month. I have plantar fasciitis in both feet, which I'll be starting treatment for soon, so due to pain from that and lingering pain in my toe I still have to limit my physical activity. I turned 30 while I was still on the 'have all the seats' list, which was when I got to see firsthand that your metabolism does in fact slow down. lol I went from not being able to gain 2 pounds due to anxiety, stress and a potentially overactive thyroid to having 10 extra pounds in my stomach and thighs that I can't lose. I can no longer fit most of my clothes and any attempt I make to express my frustration about this with other women in my life, all of whom are curvy or plus-sized, is swatted down and ignored due to the 'skinny privilege' argument. Because I can no longer fit my clothes, I struggle to feel okay about how I look when I leave the house, especially now that I don't have my boot or shoe on to hide behind, as stupid as that may sound. As my foot continues to heal, I've realized that I don't trust my toe to handle regular activity anymore so I've been taking it maybe a little easier than I should. I've also lost a general comfort with my body with this extra weight; I don't feel comfortable in my own skin a lot of the time anymore. When I'm at home and in full-on sloth mode, I'm moderately fine. But when my siblings have anyone over or I have to get dressed to go anywhere, I feel so uncomfortable. Add in my agoraphobia, social anxiety and regular anxiety and I'm a walking fucking panic attack. lol And I'm that anyway, but even more so now.

3. My eyes 

I don't think I've ever talked about this before, but I have astigmatism in my left eye. What that means in layman's terms is that light does not reflect evenly on my left retina, which causes it to be weaker than my right eye, and as a result I rely heavily on my right eye for focus and precision. I've had this since I was 7 and a common byproduct of astigmatism is amblyopia, or a lazy eye. My glasses control this for the most part, but without them my left eye wanders. Sometimes with my glasses on, depending on the direction I'm looking in, you can tell that my left eye is slightly off-center and this makes me incredibly self-conscious. Without them, however, my left eye knows it ain't shit so it goes off to play by itself and leaves my right eye to overcompensate. LOL  That's actually the main reason why, even if I had the money, I'd never do YouTube videos. I love makeup and logically speaking, it would be the best place to demo and review products. But I can't comfortably do that knowing that my left eye is always on some bullshit.   

1. I'm an interrupter. 

I'm that annoying idiot who cuts people off in the middle of their sentences. It's one of my worst traits. I wasn't originally an interrupter, which makes me even angrier that I picked it up at all. One of my biggest strengths used to be that I was a good listener. That has quickly gone the way of Circuit City as I can't properly listen for beans anymore. I've taken to taping up my mouth when conversing with my mom sometimes so that I can curb the habit, it's that bad. There are a couple of reasons why this has gone from being a non-factor to the main factor, but the primary one was because I needed to be able to interrupt when talking to certain people, which I know sounds intentionally rude so let me explain. I have a lot of overtalkers in my life and because I was previously a listener, I had to learn to be an overtalker if I wanted to be heard. Because I had to do this with at least 4 people in my life during the time period I picked it up, I had to do it so often that it stuck and now I do it all the time, even when I don't have to. I'm terrible at it and I usually catch myself while I'm doing it or have to make myself shut up until the person is finished talking. I'm even worse when someone's lying about or to me; I won't let them get anything out. I hate this about myself so much. It's an ugly behavior, it's rude as all hell, and I hate that I picked up something I have always despised. 

2. I'm an anger hoarder.

Something that has haunted me dating back to my very first relationship is that I hold onto my anger and I'm not very forgiving. I can easily be angry for days, if not weeks, about an argument. I've learned that part of the reason I do that is because of my anxiety, but my mind will repeat an argument, even a small one, on a constant loop for days straight. It does nothing but keep me angry and with larger arguments, make me depressed. But I don't know how to get rid of it. The reasons why I am always so angry are long (hide your shocked expressions) and personal but regardless, I hang onto it for a really long time. The longer I'm angry though, the worse I feel. It stresses me out, makes me anxious, messes with a number of my health issues and creates a situation that's only harmful for me; it has no effect on the person I'm angry at. It's not healthy to be angry a majority of the time, even if your reasons are valid. My larger issue is letting things go in general, which partially explains why I have a hard time letting go of negative emotions. 

3. I'm a little intolerant at times. 

I consider myself an open-minded person in a lot of ways. But there are other things that I have absolutely no tolerance for. Because I have such little tolerance levels, I can come off as an asshole sometimes. Me being so intolerant doesn't really help someone around me to grow, because if they're anything like me they'd prefer I have a positive response to any attempts at growth that they make. My intolerance to things makes people feel as though they have to be perfect, which isn't my goal at all, but in my eyes, it's not hard to be decent. Because of that mentality, I have no tolerance for behavior that suggests otherwise, especially if the person is old enough to know better. I don't mind that I have no room for acceptance with certain things because I hope it puts out the message to certain people that I do have a line and they shouldn't cross it, but I also know that it gives off the impression that I want perfection from others because of my 'no bullshit' policy. It takes time to grow, and intolerance kind of stunts that for some people.

1. My hands

I remember a guy I was seeing once telling me I had man hands. Forgetting the bad pun on my name, I thought I had overly large hands for a long time and was pretty insecure about them. Now, however, I love my hands. I hate that I can't hold more than 8 M&Ms without dropping some of them and within 8 years, my nieces' hands will be bigger than mine, but I like my hands. They're wrinkle-free, they're soft, they're quite small, and I really like how rings and longer nails look on them. If I wasn't so lazy, I'd be a really good polish model. lol 

2. My ears 

I've noticed over the years that ears are a point of contention for a lot of people, but I like mine. They're on the small side, but they don't stick out too far from my head nor are they flush with my head, so I'm good. I have a ear pit, which is basically just a hole, above my left ear (they're medically called preauricular sinus holes but ehh, ear pit is easier to say) and apparently its uncommon so I'm basically a rarity (and thank God for that). lol Anyway, I like the look of it even though its technically considered a birth defect 😶 and I like the size of my ears. I think they're cute. lol

3. My neck/collarbones

One of the many body parts I never focused on over the years was my neck, because my attention was always focused somewhere else, usually on a part of my body that I didn't like. But I like my neck. It looks feminine to me and I like that it's a little long. It makes me feel like a swan. lol I like my collarbones because while they do protrude, it isn't jarring to the eye. It's not skeletal. I have a mole on my right collarbone and I've always loved moles so I like that bit of detail on it. I know raving about my neck and collarbones sounds dumb as hell but I was running low on parts. Humor me. lol

1. I'm resourceful. 

When you've lived the majority of your life as poor as I've been, you have two options: adapt or perish. By that I don't mean literally although it works that way too; I mean mentally. I grew up not having a lot and for a period of time, I had nothing at all. Through the years, we slowly accumulated more, but basic things are often still missing and we don't have money very often to replace things. Because of that, we had to learn to make do with what we had. I became the queen of what the Black community calls a "nigga rig," which basically just means I'm good at rigging something to work. We couldn't hire people to do things and didn't know how to do them ourselves, so I had to get creative. I didn't have a bathroom cabinet to store my things, so I made one out of cardboard boxes. It worked pretty well, too. lol I've had to seal holes in the house, make makeshift tables, and fix various things over the years and I believe the only reason why I'm good at it now is because I've had so much practice with trying to make something bad a little bit better. I think being able to think on your feet to come up with at least a Band-Aid in certain situations is key, and over the years I've learned to do it quite well. 

2. I'm a fixer by nature. And I'm good at it. 

Because I'm resourceful and I think well on my feet, it's kind of in my nature to want to fix things. I'm Handy Mandy in my house, so I do a lot of things. It's in my nature to want to make things easier, to step in and help, or fix what's wrong, for other people. It's a dangerous trait because you end up getting taken advantage of more than you get people who appreciate what you do, but I made a point to be a Jill of all trades so that I wouldn't have to rely on others to make something work for me. Others in my life aren't put out by not having certain things because I know how to do them so they can always ask me, making it easier for them, which was my point. That was my thinking on it. Do I get taken advantage of? Yes. Often, actually. But I don't regret having taught myself so many useful skills, I don't regret helping people, and I appreciate that even if I'm taken advantage of, people know that I'm reliable, I will help, and I won't take advantage of them. All I want in return is a thank you, and that's only because I've worked hard and my mama raised me with manners. I'd say thank you if it was done for me, so that's all I ask in return. 

3. I'm loyal. 

I've learned the hard way that good, genuine friends are hard to come by. I think many people have to learn this lesson the hard way. One thing I know to be true about myself is that I'm a good friend. Maybe not a perfect friend, but I'm a good person to have in your corner and I'm proud of that. I don't believe in betraying my friends, I'm not jealous of their successes nor do I demean or diminish their accomplishments. I love when my friends are doing well because it motivates me to do better for myself, and I stick by them whether they're doing well or not. Of course I have my limits, everyone should, but for the most part once I make a true blue friend, I'm not going anywhere. Loyalty is hard to come by these days, so I'm proud that despite my experiences, I haven't allowed this to change about myself. 

1. I've worked on my impatience. 

I'm still an impatient person, but I'm much more patient now than I was a few years ago. The last couple of years have been a massive exercise in patience for me and I've had no choice but to learn it. It's a work that's still in progress and sometimes I still have a hard time with it, but I'm doing much better than I was when I was in my early 20s. I think there are a lot of reasons behind why I'm impatient and I understand them, but the trait itself is still a rude one, especially when depending on others, so it's something I'd like to work on. 

2. I no longer think that being angry and being spiteful go hand-in-hand. 

I learned this lesson as a teen but realized I was correct while I was in my last serious relationship. I believe in fighting fair but using tough love when the need calls for it and not resorting to pettiness to win an argument. My ex felt that being angry meant that sometimes you said things you didn't mean and as long as the person apologizes afterward, it's okay. I haven't agreed with that reasoning since I was a child and probably never will again. I remembered what it felt like when people said mean things to me just because they were angry with me, and it wasn't easy for me to forgive some of the things that were said. I didn't want to be someone who said rude things then hid behind the excuse that I was angry. Even if I didn't mean the words I said, they still had an impact on the person I'd said them to, and that pain is not always relieved with an apology. It hurts, and it can cause you to lose trust in that person, which I didn't want. I have to admit that part of my reasoning was selfish; I don't like to apologize so I figured if I didn't say anything out of pocket I wouldn't have to apologize. I also just didn't want to hurt people because I was angry at them. I don't believe that being angry is an excuse to intentionally say mean things to people anymore; anger and spite are only hand-in-hand if the person chooses to be that way. I consciously choose not to do that. I've worked hard not to allow my temporary emotion of anger cause me to make decisions with long-term repercussions or cause long-term damage to the relationships with those I love. 

3. I now understand the importance of being my own best friend. 

This was one of the most important lessons I've learned in my life. Growing up, I didn't realize that I needed to be my own friend. I also didn't realize that not being my own friend would cause a lot of things to transpire that I wouldn't even dream of allowing in my life now. Because I was able to develop standards for myself, I now enjoy spending alone time, and this helps me to continue growing in love with myself. Many people, myself included at one time, don't enjoy their own company and many people, again including myself, seek their validation from external relationships. I've learned the hard way that allowing your validation as a person to be largely dependent on your relationships with other people does more damage to you because if those people leave your life, that validation leaves as well. And then what? So when you're your own friend, you provide all of that to yourself and that does a lot in helping how you approach the world and relationships with other people. 

1. I'd like to get better at apologizing. 

I said earlier that I don't like to apologize, and that's the truth. I will apologize if I know I'm doing something wrong, but I don't always do it right away. I often don't do it right away, if I'm being honest. I mentioned this during last week's questionnaire, but I'm a prideful person. Apologizing means admitting I've fucked up somewhere, and it's not so much the eating crow part as it is the fact that I'm eating crow because I fucked up. I'm a firstborn, and I'm a perfectionist. I feel like I have to be the example all the time, even though all five of us are grown, so I often feel as though I don't have much wiggle room to make mistakes. As such, it is super hard for me to admit when I have made one, then have to swallow my pride and apologize for it. I don't mind making it up to the person I wronged because I do believe in admitting to and making up for my wrongs, but firstly and most importantly, I don't like doing others wrong. Secondly and selfishly though, I don't like being wrong, because again, it means I fucked up somewhere along the way. I don't make intentional decisions to hurt those I love, but that's how life works. Whether you mean to or not, you're going to anger someone and/or you're going to hurt their feelings. What's important is that you handle it properly, apologize sincerely, and make sure it doesn't happen again. Because I don't intentionally mean to cause others pain or anger, when I do I usually beat myself up about it for awhile. So on a secondary note, I need to get better at apologizing to myself and making peace with the fact that I fail momentarily just like everyone else, but that momentary lapse doesn't make me a failure as a person.


2. I'd like to be a bit easier on myself. 

Going from my previous improvement goal, a lot of the reason I don't like apologizing is because it's hard for me to accept that I've done something wrong to someone else, especially if I didn't mean to. I'll beat myself up before, during and even after I've apologized, been forgiven and the other person's gotten over it. It could be something small and miniscule but I'll just add it into the rotating circle of all of my previous wrongs and read myself the riot act about it for weeks. I think being such a perfectionist and being so hard on myself makes it harder for me to accept those wrong moments, makes it harder for me to apologize, and pushes me to a standard of perfection that is impossible to obtain. Despite my awareness of my imperfections, I have a hard time accepting them nonetheless. I'd like to fix that contradiction in my life.


3. I'd like to learn to ask for help. 

Back to the Jill of all trades thing, a large part of the reason why I made the effort to be one is because I had nobody to ask for help when I was younger. I always tried to find the answers to what we needed and I had to learn a lot in order to handle everything we needed done or figured out over the years. It's a large reason behind why I am so resourceful now; I had to either find the answers, find something similar, or deal without it. Because I'm Handy Mandy, I feel weak when I ask for help, like I can't do it on my own. And I know, logically, that I cannot do absolutely everything on my own, but I also know that many entrepreneurs were faced with the same decision in the dog days of their businesses and had to do a lot of things at once. When I think about asking for help I feel lazy, like I would owe my success to someone else, because I could not handle the workload on my own. Which is another complete contradiction because I'm always telling people that strength is knowing when to ask for help, yet this is something I get worse at doing the older I get. I used to never ask for help with anything, large or small, but I've been working on it for a little while now. I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be, where I can freely accept that I need help and ask for it if necessary, but I have finally admitted that with many things that I'm doing, that I do need help. The hardest parts, learning where I can go for help and actually asking for/accepting it, are what I'm working on now.

Sweet baby Jesus this was a difficult post to do. I feel born day naked out here right now. lol I'm aware of my faults and its one thing to share them with people who know me, but it's another thing entirely to explain the reasoning behind those faults and flaws. This was one of the uglier parts, at least for me. I don't think self-love and self-care are all about the pampering, the nurturing, and the comfort. They're also about taking stock of yourself, the parts of yourself you don't often share with others, the parts you're not proud of, answering for them and loving yourself in spite of them.

I'm impatient, I stay angry for too long, I don't like to apologize and I hate asking for help yet tell others to ask if they need it all the time. I'm a contradiction of faults and while I accept myself overall, it's a bit harder not to change that view when I have to break things down, explain my faults and try to move forward. I can change these things about myself if I'm ready to put in the work, but I should love myself in spite of my faults and thankfully, I do. I'm also ready to put in the work to be better.

What does your list of perfect imperfections look like?